Being Lonley (together) Part 1: why is it uncomfortable?
Why It’s Hard to Be Alone
Unpacking How Loneliness Creates Shame and Fear
We live in a culture that constantly asks us to rehearse for the next crisis. From childhood to adulthood you know exactly what that rehearsal feels like. It’s the exhausting mental loop that plays before a tough conversation, the hyper-vigilance that keeps your nervous system on edge during any conflict, and the heavy, quiet static that fills the room when you finally find yourself alone at the end of a long day.
For many of us, that quiet room is the hardest place to be.
When the distractions of work, chores, and social media finally fade, the silence doesn't feel peaceful—it feels heavy. We start to wonder: Why is it so hard to sit with myself? Why does being alone feel less like a restful break and more like an emotional threat?
The answer lies in two invisible, deeply painful realities: fear and shame. When we strip away our daily routines, these two forces tell us a convincing lie: You are in danger because you are completely on your own. And you’re completely on your own because you lack value and love ability.
Being alone brings up different versions often of these same automatic negative thoughts.
To understand why it is so difficult to be alone—and how we can begin to find peace in our own skin—we have to look at this struggle through two distinct lenses: the psychological and the existential. By integrating the sociological research of Brené Brown with the existential psychological theology of Richard Beck, we can map out the anatomy of this pain, and how we can find our way back to meaningful belonging.
The Two Sides of the Silence: Psychological Disconnection & Existential Anxiety
When we are alone, our internal defense mechanisms drop. Without a task to complete or a role to play, we are forced to confront our baseline reality. Brené Brown and Richard Beck approach why this confrontation hurts so much from different angles, but they land at the exact same door.
1. The Psychological View: Brené Brown and the Fear of Unworthiness
Brené Brown defines shame as the excruciatingly painful feeling or belief that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. In her research, she notes that shame is fundamentally the fear of disconnection.
When you are alone, shame steps into the quiet space and whispers that your physical isolation is actually proof of your relational unworthiness. If you feel like you aren't "enough"—not successful enough, not a good enough partner, not healed enough—being alone feels like a sentence rather than a choice. To avoid the pain of that internal critique, we rush to fill the silence with noise, numbing, or toxic productivity. We dread being alone because we dread the voice of our own shame.
2. The Existential View: Richard Beck and the Slavery of Death
Richard Beck takes this a step deeper in his book The Slavery of Death. Beck argues that our psychological anxieties are actually rooted in a deeper, existential reality: our fragility and mortality.
Beck posits that human beings are acutely aware of their own finitude—the fact that our time is limited, our bodies are vulnerable, and we cannot completely control our futures. When we are surrounded by people or busy with achievements, we are participating in what Becker called "hero systems"—the exhausting projects we build to prove our lives matter so we can outrun our fear of death.
But when you are completely alone, the "hero system" pauses. You are forced to confront your raw, fragile, human reality. We find it hard to be alone because the silence reminds us of our ultimate vulnerability and lack of control.
The Intersection: The Matrix of Isolation
When you bring Brown and Beck together, you see that the agonizing weight of being alone isn't a personal glitch. It is a collision between our psychological need for community and our existential dread of fragility.
When these two forces combine, being alone feels unsafe. Our existential dread of being fragile makes us hyper-perform to prove our worth. When we slow down, psychological shame steps in to tell us that if we aren't performing, we don't matter.
The tragic irony? We run away from the quiet of being alone, but running away keeps us too exhausted to build deep, meaningful connections.
The Path in Therapy: Facing the Silence with Existential Psychotherapy
When you sit in the quiet room at the end of the day and the silence feels less like a refuge and more like an emotional threat, you are experiencing what Existential Psychotherapy calls existential isolation.
When we utilize existential therapy, we don't treat your discomfort with being alone as a behavioral flaw or a chemical glitch. Instead, we recognize it as a profound, universal human reality. We all enter the world alone, and we must ultimately navigate our lives as distinct individuals. When the noise of daily life fades, this baseline reality can trigger intense anxiety.
In the safety of the therapeutic space at Beerwinkle Counseling, we don't try to frantically fill that silence for you. Instead, we help you lean into it. Existential psychotherapy connects directly to the core vulnerability of being human by providing the exact structural container needed to face your raw, fragile reality. Existential therapy provides the container to:
Confront the underlying dread of isolation without needing to numb or distract yourself.
Deconstruct the false belief that being physically alone means you are fundamentally unendurable or unworthy of love.
Transform isolation into solitude—shifting the quiet from an empty void into a grounded, peaceful sanctuary where you can deeply connect with your true self.
Learning to sit peacefully with yourself is the foundation for building authentic, unarmored relationships with others.
If you are tired of running from the quiet spaces of your life, or if you feel stuck in a cycle of performance, loneliness, and shame, we want to help you find the emotional growth, grit, and freedom to heal and move forward.
At Beerwinkle Counseling, we specialize in integrating evidence-based mental health practices with a deep respect for the mind, soul, and faith journeys of our clients. Whether you are navigating relational trauma, grief, or the heavy weight of anxiety, we provide a safe, dedicated space right here near DU in Denver and online across Colorado. Your next step doesn't have to be a massive leap—it begins with a simple conversation. Reach out to schedule a free initial consultation with Kelli or Ryan today, and let’s start moving toward true restoration, together.
