Being Lonley (together) Part 5 The Expulsive Power of Shame and Disgust

Part 5: The Expulsive Power of Shame and Disgust

Recognizing the "Ew," the "Ick," and the Scapegoat in Our Daily Relationships

We’ve all experienced that sudden, involuntary wave of micro-rejection in a relationship. Maybe it’s the way a partner rolls their eyes when you express a deep insecurity, the subtle stiffness in a friend’s body language when you share a messy truth, or even your own internal reaction when someone gets "too close" or shows too much vulnerability.

In pop culture, we often laugh off these sudden moments of relational turning points as getting the "ick." We treat it like a quirky, harmless preference. But if we pull back the curtain on our daily interactions—especially as adults trying to build deep, meaningful lives between our 20s and 50s—the "ick" is rarely harmless. In reality, that visceral feeling of "ew" is a powerful, destructive behavioral weapon designed to target a relational outcast.

In this fifth post of our series, we are looking at what Richard Beck calls the expulsive power of disgust, and how it combines with Brené Brown’s data on how shame acts as a tool of relational exile. To understand how this scales from quiet kitchen-table rejections into family and group dynamics, we must also integrate the profound insights of philosopher René Girard’s Scapegoat Theory. Together, these forces don’t just create temporary awkwardness; they act as a psychological sledgehammer that sacrifices the vulnerable to protect the collective, leaving us trapped in structural loneliness.

The Anatomy of the "Ick": When Disgust Bleeds into Love

In our last post, we explored how communities use purity psychologies and "sanctity frameworks" to keep outsiders at bay. But this mechanism doesn't just exist on a structural level. It plays out on our couches, over text messages, and across kitchen tables.

In Unclean, Richard Beck explains that disgust is fundamentally an expulsive psychology. Evolutionarily, its entire job is to get something toxic out of your presence immediately—to spit it out, to push it away, to create a safe distance to protect your physical immune system.

When we project this biological reflex onto human relationships, it becomes a weapon of mass disconnection. When someone triggers our emotional disgust or "ick," we stop seeing them as a complex human being who is hurting or clumsy. Instead, our brain treats them as a contaminant. We pull back our affection, we use sarcasm to build a wall, or we completely shut down communication. The message we send—consciously or subconsciously—is clear: Your messiness is gross, and I need you to move away from me.

The Relational Sacrifice: René Girard and Scapegoat Theory

When this psychological "ew" spreads through families, friend groups, or workplaces, it often stops being an isolated incident between two people and morphs into a dark, tribal ritual. This is the exact pattern illuminated by thinker René Girard and his foundational Scapegoat Theory.

Girard argued that human desire is "mimetic"—meaning we naturally copy what others want and do. When a group faces internal stress, anxiety, or unacknowledged vulnerability, that collective tension begins to build. Because the group doesn't know how to handle its own internal panic safely, it subconsciously seeks out a release valve.

To restore harmony and avoid looking at its own systemic flaws, the group unconsciously selects a single person to bear the weight of their collective messiness: the scapegoat.

Suddenly, the group transfers its combined anxiety, judgment, and "ick" onto this one individual. By collectively labeling this person as the "problem," the "toxic one," or the "messy outcast," the rest of the group experiences a false, intoxicating sense of peace and unity. They bond over their shared disgust for the scapegoat. The scapegoat is emotionally or relationally sacrificed, expelled from the group fortress so that everyone else can feel safe, clean, and unified.

The Collision: Disgust Meets Shame

When a relationship or a group weaponizes disgust and scapegoating against you, it doesn't just hurt your feelings; it activates your deepest, most primitive psychological panic: shame.

Brené Brown’s research defines shame as the excruciating belief that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame thrives on three specific ingredients: secrecy, silence, and judgment. When the expulsive power of disgust meets the fragile landscape of human vulnerability, the impact is devastating:

• The Disgust Weapon: One person hits a vulnerable limit or exposes a flaw, and the other person—or the group—responds with the psychological "ick" and labels them as the scapegoat.

• The Shame Reception: The targeted individual immediately internalizes that disgust as a verdict on their core identity. The internal script changes from "I am having a hard time" to "I am inherently broken, unlovable, and gross."

• The Silent Exile: To protect themselves from further expulsion, the shamed person retreats into absolute secrecy and silence, accepting the burden of the scapegoat.

As Brené Brown notes in Atlas of the Heart, contempt and disgust are the most reliable predictors of relationship breakdown. You cannot build a bridge of authentic belonging while simultaneously treating another human being like something you need to wash off your hands to keep yourself pure.

The Path in Therapy: A Multimodal Approach to Untangling Group Exile

When you have been treated as the relationship "ick" or the family scapegoat, the trauma runs deep. You carry both the cognitive distortions of shame, the somatic panic of rejection, and a fractured internal ecosystem. Healing from this level of relational exile requires an integrated, multimodal approach to help you heal your mind, body, and heart.

At Beerwinkle Counseling, we address the wounds of disgust and scapegoating using three distinct, evidence-based therapeutic tracks:

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for the Mind

CBT targets the internalized scripts left behind by the scapegoating process. When a group or partner projects their disgust onto you, your brain creates cognitive distortions like personalization and all-or-nothing thinking. CBT helps you systematically challenge these thoughts. In therapy, we work to:

• Identify the false core belief that you are the "problem" or fundamentally "unendurable."

• Return the projected anxiety back to its rightful owners, helping you realize that their disgust was a reflection of their inability to handle vulnerability, not your unworthiness.

2. EMDR Therapy for the Body

Relational exile and sudden micro-rejections aren't just thoughts; they are stored in the nervous system as genuine survival threats. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) targets the somatic trauma of being pushed away. Using bilateral stimulation, EMDR allows you to:

• Clear the physical shockwaves of eye-rolling, cold shoulders, or explicit abandonment that trigger your fight-or-flight response.

• Reprocess the painful memory of being the scapegoat so your body finally feels safe to relax in the present moment.

3. Parts Work / Internal Family Systems (IFS) for the Heart

When you are cast out, you often copy that expulsive psychology internally. You develop an internal manager part—a harsh Internal Critic—that constantly monitors your behavior, telling your vulnerable parts to hide so you never get the "ick" from anyone again. Using Internal Family Systems (IFS), we work to:

• Befriend the protective parts of you that use perfectionism or hyper-vigilance to keep you safe from rejection.

• Rescue and unburden your inner "exiles"—the tender parts of you that still feel lonely, outcast, and burdened by the group's shame.

Stepping Down from the Scapegoat Alter

You do not have to carry the weight of other people's unacknowledged fear and anxieties. You do not have to live your life as a constant rehearsal, walking on eggshells to avoid triggering someone else's defensive "ick."

At Beerwinkle Counseling, we specialize in walking alongside adults who are ready to drop the burden of being the scapegoat. We combine the tools of CBT, EMDR, and Parts Work with a deep respect for your unique mind, soul, and faith journey. We provide a safe, dedicated sanctuary near DU in Denver and online across Colorado where your uncurated, messy, and beautiful humanity is entirely welcome.

Your next step out of relational exile and into authentic connection doesn't have to be a massive leap—it begins with a simple, safe conversation. Reach out to schedule a free initial call with Kelli or Ryan today, and let’s start moving toward true restoration, together.